Monday 5/6/24
PLAYING GOD Once, several years ago, I was sitting with a group of friends when we began talking about God. One of my friends said, “Would you rather be God or trust in God’s plan?” Everyone went around the circle saying how they would rather trust God, believe their Higher Power had things in hand, that they found peace in letting things work out on “God’s time” until the conversation stopped at me. I was amazed at them all and said, “I would rather be God.” Of course they looked at me like I had lost my mind until I explained my reasoning. “If I was God, then I could stop my loved ones from suffering the consequences of any of their negative actions. I could walk through life without seeing any of the people I love get hurt, or make poor choices.” For a moment everyone was quiet, as they acknowledged my point of view. It has always been hard for me, to watch those I love make serious mistakes that lead to hard consequences. But I know today, that hard consequences often lead to true spiritual growth. Some lessons that need to be learned are not positive ones. Some poor behaviors need to be repeated until, exhausted, we are willing to change. When I find myself wanting to be God instead of accepting God’s will, I know that I must pray for faith, and pray that my loved ones find guidance on their own spiritual paths. “Dear God, help me to have faith. Help me to remember that I am powerless over the actions of others and that I must trust in your plan for each and everyone of us.” Feeling the Grief
Over the past year I have grown in some areas, thanks to working the Al-Anon program. In other areas I am still struggling. One of the things I learned this year was to give myself permission again to feel my feelings of loss, pain, and grief.
The terrorist attack on September 11th brought back so many familiar and frightening feelings for me. Several years ago my husband died in a plane crash. It happened during a business trip in the wintertime. His plane went down and was not found until the following summer. As the horror of events unfolded on September 11th, I relived each emotion I felt years ago. After the first few days, I told myself I was doing just fine. I focused on my energies on praying for the loved ones’ families and my country. After a few weeks of denial, I started to feel depressed. An overwhelming feeling of sadness covered me like a gray cloud. I tried to talk myself out of it by saying I had no right to feel that way, because so many other people were suffering. I expected comfort and understanding from my own family but I didn’t get what I expected. Finally on the anniversary of my husband’s death in November, I started to address what was going on with me. After talking to my sponsor, praying, going to many meetings, and listening to others share, I could hear the lessons that this experience taught me. First I followed the suggestion to read page two in the Courage to Change book. I read it over and over until finally the idea clicked. There was a place I could go to seek comfort, understanding, and help—Al-Anon! it still amazes me how long it takes me to realize what is right in front of my face. Even though I had been coming to Al-Anon for quite a few years, I learned it is okay to acknowledge my feelings. So many years of living with active alcoholism taught me to hide and deny whatever I felt. Al-Anon teaches me that my feelings are just that—my feelings. I can experience them and acknowledge them but I don’t have to let them rule my life. During times of grief and stress when the same feelings return, I’ve learned there are positive things I can do. I can rely on my Al-Anon friends to share their joy of living just for today, which is contagious. I can reach out and share with others who are hurting, too. I can write about my feelings, talk with my sponsor, and I can seek out my Higher Power. My heart goes out to all those who lost their loved ones on September 11th or any other day. The only thing I know for sure is it does get better, one day at a time. By Kathy M., Oregon May, 2003 Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA. |
Today's Hope is a Recovery themed site with a focus on Friends and Families of Alcoholics and problem drinkers. We are not affiliated with any 12 Step program. The daily sharings contain a reading from
Al-Anon's Conference Approved publication The Forum, an inspirational quote/saying and a recovery based reading/meditation. The intent of Today's Hope is to share experience, strength and hope. Please take what you like and leave the rest. |